SPEEDway

The other night I had to make an emergency trip out to get a newspaper and some Sudafed as I had left the crossword puzzle at work and my nose was stuffy.

My new strategy to stave off Alzheimer's is doing the crossword puzzle every day.

I was thinking about going to UDF but as I was driving I noticed the Speedway station was closer so I pulled into the parking lot with my money in hand. I rarely, if ever go to Speedway, I might mention.

The first thing I noticed was the plethora of older model rust infested cars in the lot.

As I opened the door, the smell of cigarette smoke hit me immediately.

And then there was the LINE.

Not a line of people buying say, snacks or soft drinks.

No, this was a line of people buying lottery tickets.

Wait, that is not accurate. They were deciding which tickets to buy and were engaged in long, stupid conversations with the clerk who looked as though his IQ had at most two digits.

After waiting 15 minutes while the first woman with her small unkempt daughter (who also had a runny nose) made up her mind another store clerk took pity on me and offered to take my money at the other register. But quick as a wink the next man in line ran over to that register and insisted he be served as he was in line next. His purchase took only 10 minutes.

Finally I was able to pay for my paper. The next two people in line behind me had bottles of fortified malt beverages of some sort and also wanted to buy lottery tickets as well as cigarettes.

I went out to get into my car and was nearly sideswiped by a feral woman driving an old Chevy Malibu. I was still parked but she was evidently in a very big hurry to get into the parking space beside me, accuracy be damned.

She threw her cigarette butt on the ground near the gas pumps.

I decided I should go elsewhere to get my Sudafed that I need for my meth making, oops I mean stuffy nose.

I hope at least one of those people bought a winning ticket that night.

And how was YOUR evening?

True Confessions

Our dog licks the plates in the dishwasher.

Our cats have caught mice in our house.

Sometimes things in the refrigerator are there so long we don't know what they are anymore.

Laundry has been known to be forgotten in the washing machine only to be found smelling rather sour and needing to be washed again. And then sometimes again.

My date lets the dog kiss him on the mouth, occasionally with surprise tongue bonus.

I like to have cold vegetable soup from the can for breakfast.

Must. Learn. To. Read. Directions. First.

Happy birthday to me. I am now 18,250 days old. (That is 438,000 hours or 26,280,000 minutes in case you were wondering.)

As a special birthday present to myself I scheduled my first screening colonoscopy. And then I promptly forgot about it. Yesterday I did not eat breakfast before going to work and was scavenging around for something to eat in the office when my very special assistant said, "Don't you have a colonoscopy tomorrow?"

Uh oh. I had completely forgotten to get all the clear liquids to drink and the Dulcolax tablets and the Miralax. The only Jello I had at work in the refrigerator was red. The only Crystal Light mix-ins anyone had were red.

But I have the best staff in the entire world so one of my nurses kindly went to the drugstore (on her day off, no less) to get me the "goods". So I gulped the pills and drank all the Miralax.

Oh my. From 5 PM on I experienced an intestinal tsunami of biblical proportions. I could not sneeze, or cough or even move too much for fear of the dreaded "outcome".

The supposedly smartest part* of the body was dazed and confused. Finally I found an absorbent adult garment (we get free samples from a nice company to give out to patients) so I could make the drive home without ruining my car seats and my dress.

It wasn't much better at home. I was afraid to go to sleep despite having four towels under me.

Then I looked at the (now empty) bottle of Miralax. It was the 550 gram size. The directions from the doctor's office specified the 243 gram size bottle.

So first thing the next morning in my parched and dehydrated state I had to go do a operation on a patient who was in pain and I did not want her to wait two more days. During her entire operation I willed my smartest organ not to fail me. I did the "bun tightening" exercises from aerobics class, except without the relaxation phase. Then I hauled my (sore) butt over to the surgery center for my fun.

All I can say is thank goodness for that lovely cocktail of Demerol and Versed. I remember nothing about the procedure except the nice buzz and all the gas I had that afternoon.

But I will now remember to read the instructions and check the label before undertaking any such procedure again. Funny, we are taught in medical school to read the label twice and be able to recall the instructions accurately.

It is true, though. The cobbler's children have bad shoes.

All I can say is thank you Lord for Calmoseptine ointment.

* The anus is said to be the smartest organ in the body due to its' ability to distinguish between solid, liquid and gas and know when it's okay to let each one out.

Christmas Is Coming

Christmas is coming and I am getting fat(ter)

Please to put a penny in the old man's hat...

As of today, November 28 there are only 26 days left until Christmas.

Which means some frantic last minute shopping for a lot of people, myself included.

But this year I decided not to bow at the altar of excessive and unnecessary gifts.

I decided to look for things that would be useful and appreciated.

This was much easier said than done as I had already ruled out giving cash.

(My cash is in the backyard in the form of a greenhouse this holdiay season.)

But when I went shopping (online, of course) I was quite surprised at some of the unusual gifts that could be had this year.

Discreet Odor Neutralizer Pads

Never be embarrassed by “escaped” gas again!

We all have our “moments,” so be prepared when they happen! These soft-fabric, odor neutralizer pads absorb any smells that are accidentally released.

Décolleté Pads
Smooth wrinkle lines on your chest!

Here’s a safer, more affordable alternative to Botox or surgery! Decollete Pads help reduce the appearance of wrinkles on your chest so your skin looks younger — and you can feel good again wearing a swimsuit or low-cut top.

Kush™ Bosom Sleep Support
Support your breasts for a better night’s sleep.
As seen on The Doctors TV Show!

Firm yet lightweight, the Kush™ Bosom Sleep Support makes side sleeping more comfortable, especially for the woman with C cups or larger. Once you try it, you won’t want to sleep without it!

Dream Water
Dream Water helps you relax and fall asleep, naturally.

All-natural Dream Water combines melatonin, 5-HTP and GABA (gamma amino butyric acid) to help you relax, reduce anxiety and drop off to sleep. Dream water is 80 proof.

This is for your Christmas tree, not your date.

I'm afraid my Christmas spirit is dead. Fruitcakes might not be bad gifts after all.

Hope your Christmas is a merry one!