Must. Learn. To. Read. Directions. First.

Happy birthday to me. I am now 18,250 days old. (That is 438,000 hours or 26,280,000 minutes in case you were wondering.)

As a special birthday present to myself I scheduled my first screening colonoscopy. And then I promptly forgot about it. Yesterday I did not eat breakfast before going to work and was scavenging around for something to eat in the office when my very special assistant said, "Don't you have a colonoscopy tomorrow?"

Uh oh. I had completely forgotten to get all the clear liquids to drink and the Dulcolax tablets and the Miralax. The only Jello I had at work in the refrigerator was red. The only Crystal Light mix-ins anyone had were red.

But I have the best staff in the entire world so one of my nurses kindly went to the drugstore (on her day off, no less) to get me the "goods". So I gulped the pills and drank all the Miralax.

Oh my. From 5 PM on I experienced an intestinal tsunami of biblical proportions. I could not sneeze, or cough or even move too much for fear of the dreaded "outcome".

The supposedly smartest part* of the body was dazed and confused. Finally I found an absorbent adult garment (we get free samples from a nice company to give out to patients) so I could make the drive home without ruining my car seats and my dress.

It wasn't much better at home. I was afraid to go to sleep despite having four towels under me.

Then I looked at the (now empty) bottle of Miralax. It was the 550 gram size. The directions from the doctor's office specified the 243 gram size bottle.

So first thing the next morning in my parched and dehydrated state I had to go do a operation on a patient who was in pain and I did not want her to wait two more days. During her entire operation I willed my smartest organ not to fail me. I did the "bun tightening" exercises from aerobics class, except without the relaxation phase. Then I hauled my (sore) butt over to the surgery center for my fun.

All I can say is thank goodness for that lovely cocktail of Demerol and Versed. I remember nothing about the procedure except the nice buzz and all the gas I had that afternoon.

But I will now remember to read the instructions and check the label before undertaking any such procedure again. Funny, we are taught in medical school to read the label twice and be able to recall the instructions accurately.

It is true, though. The cobbler's children have bad shoes.

All I can say is thank you Lord for Calmoseptine ointment.

* The anus is said to be the smartest organ in the body due to its' ability to distinguish between solid, liquid and gas and know when it's okay to let each one out.

Surprise!!!

In our never-ending quest for a better relationship, my date and I try to practice good communication.

It is not always successful but attempts are made anyway.

One of my pet peeves was that he would take something I had in a glass to drink and without asking, take a drink. Or if he poured it for me, he would drink part of it before handing it to me and say, "Drink tax". I found this profoundly irritating.

If he had asked first, I would never have denied him a drink. It was the presumptuousness that bothered me, and the sense that he felt entitled to take whatever he wanted, a la Helen Keller.

So we had a painful discussion about how I felt about this and he has been very, very good about not doing it as of late. But then something happened, and I was really hoping he did not have a relapse into his old habits.

Here is the background. I recently had surgery and have had some narcotic pain medication to take. As you may know, this kind of medication slows down the intestinal tract and can lead to unpleasant "traffic jams" if one is not careful to stay hydrated and take the appropriate actions to prevent said traffic jams.

So I had been mixing a full dose of Miralax into a glass of juice every morning and drinking it. Miralax is tasteless, dissolves completely without causing a nauseating thickening of the liquid and is quite effective for those taking opiates. For those not taking opiates, it is INCREDIBLY effective if you catch my drift.

I had been using juice that he drinks with breakfast (meanly nicknamed "Infant Juice" by me).

Yesterday I mixed the magic potion up but did not drink it right away. I left it on the counter. I remembered it later and thankfully it was still there, all intact. I sought out my date and asked him if he had been tempted to partake of the glass of "Infant Juice" left on the counter. He said that he had, but had refrained due to our prior conversation.

I was so proud of him. Then I told him what was in it. He expressed a great deal of relief at his restraint.

What a surprise that would have been! But it would have reinforced the learning, kind of like a shock collar. I bet he is cured forever now.

Other Side Of The Fence

OMG. I am usually the doctor and nothing I do hurts me.

But this time the roles were reversed. I was the patient instead of the surgeon.

I had no idea it would hurt so much afterwards.

But all is fine and I will be okay.

Thank goodness for my two wonderful sisters who came to be with me.

I love them so much.

I don't know how I can ever repay them.

Maybe I can take them to a concert or something when I feel better. I think they'd like that.

Watch What You Eat

We all know there are things you should not eat. Ever.

(Unless you are trying to cure your syphilis with a sandwich.)

Definitely not a morel mushroom.

Questionable restaurant fare.

Those are self explanatory: sickness or death may ensue.

But are things that you shouldn't eat for a different reason.

(You remember why.)

If you eat these you might go to Hell:

Jesus on a potato chip

Mary and Jesus Cheeto

Praying Jesus Cheeto

Virgin Mary toast

And then there are things that just don't look or sound good to eat:

No thanks.

Maybe you should have that checked.

Mmmmmmmm.

Some things you just might want to eat in private:

Hot. Spicy.

(The yellow ones are always smaller.)

So what's a hungry person to do?

I would recommend sticking with your old friends.

They won't let you down.

But some people are going to eat what they want anyway.

Oh well.