Happy birthday to me. I am now 18,250 days old. (That is 438,000 hours or 26,280,000 minutes in case you were wondering.)
As a special birthday present to myself I scheduled my first screening colonoscopy. And then I promptly forgot about it. Yesterday I did not eat breakfast before going to work and was scavenging around for something to eat in the office when my very special assistant said, "Don't you have a colonoscopy tomorrow?"
Uh oh. I had completely forgotten to get all the clear liquids to drink and the Dulcolax tablets and the Miralax. The only Jello I had at work in the refrigerator was red. The only Crystal Light mix-ins anyone had were red.
But I have the best staff in the entire world so one of my nurses kindly went to the drugstore (on her day off, no less) to get me the "goods". So I gulped the pills and drank all the Miralax.
Oh my. From 5 PM on I experienced an intestinal tsunami of biblical proportions. I could not sneeze, or cough or even move too much for fear of the dreaded "outcome".
The supposedly smartest part* of the body was dazed and confused. Finally I found an absorbent adult garment (we get free samples from a nice company to give out to patients) so I could make the drive home without ruining my car seats and my dress.
It wasn't much better at home. I was afraid to go to sleep despite having four towels under me.
Then I looked at the (now empty) bottle of Miralax. It was the 550 gram size. The directions from the doctor's office specified the 243 gram size bottle.
So first thing the next morning in my parched and dehydrated state I had to go do a operation on a patient who was in pain and I did not want her to wait two more days. During her entire operation I willed my smartest organ not to fail me. I did the "bun tightening" exercises from aerobics class, except without the relaxation phase. Then I hauled my (sore) butt over to the surgery center for my fun.
All I can say is thank goodness for that lovely cocktail of Demerol and Versed. I remember nothing about the procedure except the nice buzz and all the gas I had that afternoon.
But I will now remember to read the instructions and check the label before undertaking any such procedure again. Funny, we are taught in medical school to read the label twice and be able to recall the instructions accurately.
It is true, though. The cobbler's children have bad shoes.
All I can say is thank you Lord for Calmoseptine ointment.
* The anus is said to be the smartest organ in the body due to its' ability to distinguish between solid, liquid and gas and know when it's okay to let each one out.
